哈哈哈!!!

1.一女，對有外遇的老公說：你如果敢離婚娶那個年輕的妖精，我就嫁給妖精她爹，從此以後，兒子管你叫姐夫，你得喊我媽！老公當場暈倒，從此規規矩矩……
2.老婆花鉅資做了整容，數天後變成美女回家！
進門時，對一臉疑惑的丈夫說：「怎麼？不認識我了？」
丈夫愣了一下，然後驚喜地說：「快進來，我老婆不在家。」
3.有一天突然發現，我有大姨，二姨，四姨，五姨，卻沒有三姨。
於是就去問我爸：為什麼我沒有三姨？
心裡還想了一下：難道三姨在小的時候就死了？
我爸怒道：你三姨就是你媽！
4.一女孩夜歸遇歹徒。歹徒兇狠問：站住！幹嘛去？
女孩不想被劫財，遂可憐巴巴道：去借錢。
歹徒依然兇狠問：借錢去幹嘛？女孩又怕被劫色，
便道：得了性病沒錢治。歹徒怒吼：滾！
5.兒子戰戰兢兢地回到家：「爸，今天考試只得了60分。」
爸爸很生氣：「下次再考低了，就別叫我爸！」
第二天兒子回來了：「對不起，哥！」
6.一位老先生，體能狀況很差，
問健身房的教練：
「我想吸引年輕的美眉，請問該使用哪一種機器?」
教練回答：「外面的提款機!」

快楽之道 Way to Happiness

Our Beautiful World

Our Beautiful World

人到中年應該擁有的

人到中年應該擁有的
 
一 .沈澱朋友

“窮在大路無人問，富住深山有遠親”。也別管他是親戚還是“朋友”，勢利眼的人多著呢，隨便一抓就是一把一把的。在你生活的低潮和困境時，向你伸出溫暖的那雙手才是你的朋友。千萬不要相信在你富貴時的那些甘言蜜語──假的；因為狗戴上帽子后也會迷惑你的眼神兒︰“嘿，哥們兒，酒去。”這酒杯一端“感情深一口悶”的豪氣，鄰桌的疑似你好像也帶著他那樣的帽子。
 
二 .淡定心情

這個年齡段已經不允許你不成熟了。要知道，對發生在身邊的事，你已經完成了從“看不慣”到“看得慣”這個過程了，如果你還不習慣，說明你心裡還不夠成熟。不要怨完山神怨土地的自己和自己過不去，自己給自己添堵。
 
三 .播種善良
一定要極盡自己所能及之事，讓那些比你苦、比你難的人感受到這世上的陽光和美麗。這樣的善良要經常播種，不意間，就會開出最美麗的人性之花來。播種善良是在給自己“修心”。
 
四 .培養愛好

琴棋書畫，花鳥虫魚總有一款適應你，一定要給自己培養一種愛好。它會洗滌你的身心，打開你的記憶和想像，鋪陳你的浪漫。當你全身心地投入時，更會給你帶來意想不到的寧靜和享受。還有攝影、收藏……它們都是日子中的味精，點點滴滴中讓我們的生活有了滋味。
 
五 .得失隨緣

塵間有兩苦，一是得不到之苦，二是鐘情之苦。 在你付諸努力的前提下，所有的、想得到的都當作一場賭。勝之坦然；敗之淡然。得之我幸，失之我命，世間最苦是鐘情，縱然是夫妻也莫過如此，有緣則聚，無緣則散。好在這年齡已過了“激情燃燒的歲月”，冷靜自己還是有一定把握的。說到底，人生都是獨行者。

 
六 .學會承受

有些事情需要無聲無息地忘記，經過一次，就長一次智慧；有些苦痛和煩惱需要你自己默默地去承受；歷煉一次；豐富一次。你的苦痛和煩惱不要指望別人的憐憫和同情。自己夢自己圓，解鈴還需系鈴人，這才是你心靈之痛最好的補藥。
 
七 .常念感恩

經歷了是一種財富。當我們參加完葬禮，總會涌起一些感慨；當我們大病初愈，總會有萬般的珍惜。感恩的心一定要時時保留，它不僅讓你憐惜一沙一石、一草一枝，還會讓你淡漠某種無形的壓力，平撫你的欲望和爭斗，更多的時候，有一些幸福的感覺也往往來自于此。
 
八 . 勤于讀書

讀書和學習都是在和智慧聊天，用別人的經驗，長自己的智慧，何樂而不為。把讀書變成一種習慣，你的有些思想來源于此，有些見解也來源于此。並且還能醫愚，還會長久地保持你的個性魅力。

這就是我退休後，還是忙碌不已的原因！

這就是我退休後，還是忙碌不已的原因！

 

To 各位LKKs,

最近我被診斷有A.A.A.D.D.(Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder)

有一天我決定要澆花,在車道打開水管後,我發現車子該洗了

當要走向車庫時,發現走廊矮桌上的信件(是我稍早由信箱拿出來的),我想應該在洗車前把信件處理一下.

所以把車鑰匙放桌上,將垃圾廣告信放到桌下的垃圾桶,此時卻發現垃圾桶滿了,所以決定把帳單先放回桌上,

先去倒垃圾,我突然想到既要出去倒垃圾,就可以順便把寫好的支票丟到信箱(美國的門口信箱有些可以放信讓郵差取走)

所以就打算寫支票,但看到只剩一張空白支票,而其他支票簿在書房,只好進書房去拿.

此時在書桌上見到我喝剩的可樂罐,我是要找支票簿沒錯,但必須把可樂罐拿開,才不會弄翻它.

因可樂已不涼了,我想應該放回冰箱,但我走到廚房時,看到廚房櫃檯上一大瓶待加水的花.

我把可樂放下,卻發現了我找一個早上都找不到的老花眼鏡,但我想還是把它放在桌上,先為花加水再說.

當我把個容器裝滿水後,卻發現不知誰把電視遙控器放在廚房檯上,我知道這樣一來,

晚上在書房看電視時一定會找不到遙控器,所以必須先把遙控器放回書房,但還是要先處理完花再說.

我加了水卻大部分都濺到地板了,只好把遙控器放回檯子上,拿些抹布來擦,

然後我走到走廊上努力回想我到底還要幹什麼,而到這一天最後結束的時候,

車子還是沒洗,

支票沒寄出,

廚房櫃檯有一罐溫可樂,

瓶花的水沒加夠,

支票簿上仍然只有一張支票,

我找不到遙控器,

找不到眼鏡,

我也不知道把車鑰匙放哪去了,

我很困惑為什麼一事無成,但我卻忙得要命,而且累斃了.

我知道這問題蠻嚴重的,必須找人幫忙,不過還是先看看email吧!

但請幫忙把我此信轉給你認識的所有人,因我也忘了曾寄給誰?

 

不要笑~~~~~因為有一天也會輪到你!

AAADD—(Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder)

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A..D.D. -Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

 

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

 

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

 

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

 

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.

 

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left..

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,!

So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

 

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

 

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

 

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

 

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote,

But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

But first I'll water the flowers.

 

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor..

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

 

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

 

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

 

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favor.

Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

 

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

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